iPhone OS4 Will Give You Seven Tentpoles
Unless you have leprosy, live in a cave, and enjoy the company of Osama bin Laden and Lindsay Lohan, you know that the big big news today was the press conference for iPhone OS4, the greatest announcement since the release of the iPad, which was the greatest announcement since the announcement of the iPad, which was the greatest announcement since Jesus delivered his Sermon on the Mount. Well folks, I bravely wasted company time reading Gizmodo’s Liveblog and endlessly posting inane comments to bring you the goods.
First and most importantly, Steve Jobs seems to not have been interested in eating half of my cheese sandwich. It was on ciabatta bread. I made it with pepper jack and jarlsberg cheese with a stone-ground horseradish mustard spread with some arugula and alfalfa sprouts. In spite of numerous offers made by me in Gizmodo’s comment section, Steve Jobs did not respond to accept half of my cheese sandwich. So there’s the big big news: Steve Jobs does not like sandwiches on ciabatta bread. That aside, here’s the lowdown on all of the new and exciting features of iPhone OS4:
Multitasking: According to Apple, only a backwards rube would have any interest in multitasking. After all, why would any rational person want to load up Pandora, select a music stream, exit out of the app and leave the music running, check an address in an email, load up the address on the Maps app, ship it to Navigon, and then make a phone call to the sender to let them know that you’re on your way, plugging the iPhone into your car, and routing the music stream and Navigon turn-by-turn directions through your car audio. What the hell do people think an iPhone is for? Communication?! Well, you idiots can rejoice because now Apple thinks that only a moron wouldn’t take advantage of all that an iPhone can do.
Plus it’s so easy. It took an Apple developer only one day to figure out how to background the Pandora app. It’s totally not hard to do. All it took was the Imagineers at Apple to do it. And now the iPhone is the world’s first smartphone with multitasking.
iAds: If you’re like me (you’re not; I’m much cooler and better looking), you love ads. In fact, you probably look at your iPhone and say to yourself, “Self, these ads that are done through AdMob look like garbage. I want better ad delivery.” Gripe no more. Apple’s new iAd platform promises more and better-looking ads for your apps in a seamless ad platform. And, out of generosity, Apple is only taking a 40% cut of ad revenue from the developers. Everybody wins! More ads for you and more money for Apple.
Wallpaper: Until today, no smartphone on the market offered the ability to customize your UI with your own wallpaper. Apple knows you’re creative and original (after all, you bought an iPhone). After three years of hard work, Apple programmers have finally figured out a way to change the background on the homescreen. Let’s see your Blackberry do that!
Folders: You love Apple. You love being clean. And so Apple brings you “Folders”, an exciting and innovative way to manage your apps. Until now, all apps were just dumped onto the iPhone. But thanks to Apple’s outside-the-box thinking, they came up with a brand new organization system called “Folders”. The way it works is that the user (you) can now put your apps into “folders”, which are icons that mimic what a real-life manila folder would do. And who doesn’t like organizing things into manila folders?!
Game Center: Apple has done it again. Game Center is a wonderful multiplayer experience complete with a “matchmaking” system to allow – get this – multiple players to play games together. Imagine being on a subway car and playing Super Monkey Ball with another person in the car. It’s like nothing that’s ever been done. Plus, there will be a leaderboard and a trophy system. Does Microsoft have that? I think not!
Unified inbox: So you have a bunch of email addresses. Why should you have to read each one separately? You shouldn’t. And that’s why Steve Jobs invented the unified inbox. It beats the hell out of anything RIM has on a BlackBerry.
No more Flash: Do you know who uses Flash? Adolf Hitler. And in case you think I’m being melodramatic, consider the fact that both “Adolf” and “Adobe” start with the same three letters. Not only that, most people working at Adobe have read about Adolf Hitler. That’s right – Adobe is totally in the tank for Adolf Hitler!
You don’t like Adolf Hitler, do you? Of course not. So then you don’t like Flash. And for you developers, every time you use Flash, God kills a kitten. Stop killing kittens and stop using Flash.
In addition to those seven tentpole-giving features, Apple just kept the amazing things coming today. The ability to rotate photos, a feature until now available on only the most advanced photo editing software, can now be done on your iPhone. On-the-fly playlist creation which has never been on any portable media player before today. There’s even a calendar option just for birthdays. I can’t think of a single geek that didn’t ask for that feature at the top of their wishlist.
Folks, Steve Jobs really nailed it again today. And, while iPhone OS4 will be available for the iPhone sometime this summer, iPad users will be able to wait several months for it to come to the iPad. Because iPad people have the patience of saints. Once again, Apple gives its customers revolutionary features which no other phone on the market has.
Bravo, Mr. Jobs. Bravo.
P.S.:
Mr. Jobs
The offer still stands if you want half of my cheese sandwich. It’s on my desk at work. Don’t worry though because I put it on a piece of scratch paper. I like to be sanitary. The sandwich is on ciabatta bread.
