Op Em: Do Vampires Really Represent Everything that is Wrong with America?

The topic came up with a friend as of late as I gushed platelets over the True Blood premiere.  His response: Vampires represent everything that is wrong with America.  Ouch.  Really?  Sookie?  Edward?  Surely not Edward.

Upon further debate, I was told that Chuck Klosterman originally posited such a thought.  And it turns out, the American-flavored pop culture obsession with these supernatural blood-friendly fiends has some major symbolic plasma to it.  Terms like “life-drainer” and “sex-crazed” were thrown out, Edward was defended (not Edward!) and suffice it to say, the vampire thoughts did not end there.

Well to get me thinking, I decided I would list the things that ARE wrong with America and see how our Twilight’s and True Blood’s stack up.  So here goes:

#1 thing wrong with America: Our dependence on non-renewable energy.

America: Um, well.
Vampires: Subsist off of human blood and there are upwards of 6.7 billion humans circa 2008 (a.k.a. True Blood Season 1).  Seems to be pretty darn renewable to me, I mean geez that’s a lot of humans!

#2 thing wrong with America: We’re kinda bullies, sometimes.

America: BP is from England—duh, (P.S. follow @BPGlobalPR for a laugh).  And war(s), what war(s)?  Did you see Kate Hudson’s boob job? Who is she kidding anyway?
Vampires: The Cullens live off of animal blood and Bill is mainstreaming TruBlood-style.  While the majority of the two vampire worlds might be seen as less than peaceful, these two figureheads are held up as proof of politically correct blood-flavored sustenance for all.

#3 thing wrong with America: We still don’t have affordable universal healthcare.

America: We’re working on it man, give us some time, like a handful of years or so.
Vampires: Heal themselves.  Stupid self-healing vampires.

#4 thing wrong with America: We’re a lethargic, politically impotent, narcissistic bunch.

America: Quiet, Glee’s about to start.
Vampires: Way faster/stronger/quicker than humans, politics vary by vampire mainstay, and why yes, vampires are quite narcissistic.  Hey you probably would be too if you possessed eternal youth (@MrsKutcher I’m looking at you).

#5 thing wrong with America: We boast an untenable consumerist lifestyle.

America: Haven’t you heard of the Green Movement?  And what about the new iPhone, makes me want to toss my old one in the toilet just so I can get a new one!
Vampires: Some of us have been around and under the radar since before Jesus.  That has to say something.

#6 thing wrong with America: We idolize Paris Hilton instead of Toni Morrison.

America: Toni who?
Vampires: Have become an object of idolization, distracting our already ADHD-prone population even further (Edward!).  But in their own little vampire-written worlds, vampires are worldly fellows, (mostly because they’ve had centuries to become worldly, but worldly nonetheless).

And so as I near the end of my list of things that are wrong with America (obviously I could go on), I realize that vampires, at best, are a self-consciously constructed foil for ourselves.  American culture is still breaking out of slash feeling guilty for our Puritan roots; vampires are hedonists to a T.  And therefore, perhaps the way in which we portray these demons of the night heavily correlates to the way our own demons would like to act in the night (or day for that matter).  Other times, we hold our vampire figments up to a pedestal longingly gazing at them as they drain/glamour/suck whatever it is we constructed them to drain in the first place.  Sometimes I wonder if the vampires are having identity issues; good vampire one second, bad vampire the next.  Luckily, most of them are pretty good actors.

And so there you have it.  Vampires represent all that is evil about America?  Kind of.  Pop culture oozing all that is socially repressed into your favorite fad-of-the-moment fantasy box set?  On sale now.