Things I Miss About the Facebook of Ole

February marks six years of poking, picture posting, stalking and miscellaneous relationship awkwardness on TheFacebook.com (as it was known then). Happy Birthday!  Now I don’t know if you know this, but Facebook only used to be for kids  in college.  And the earliest adopters were either ivy leaguers or students at large big 12-ish universities.

The original pioneers of Facebook etiquette were either smart little ivy-munchers or Keystone Light keg-standing coeds, how’s that for a juxtaposition?  Well I happened to be the latter (go Buffs!) and have now celebrated about 5 and a half years on the book.  I figured because it is their birthday month, I would compile a little list of things I miss about the old Facebook.

1. There was only one photo: Just a profile picture.  You could pick the hottest photo of yourself possible and use it to signify you, and nobody would be the wiser because there were no other pics with which they could compare.

2. The Ghetto Wall: Facebook’s first wall was a messy text box and people didn’t use it too much, mostly because it didn’t work so well.  Then one day in 2005, they started separating comments out by the user and attaching a profile picture to it.  That’s when the wall really blew up.  When people could see their faces on other people’s walls.  Kind of like the digital equivalent of peeing on something (or someone) to mark your territory.

3. The Spring Break and Summer Break boxes: Facebook used to provide little text boxes for coeds to brag to other coeds about where they were spending their holidays.  St. Bart’s, Mexico, the Hampton’s, college kids really do live the life.

4. Virtual Playground: Facebook used to be our space.  Space to post subversive pictures and use swear words (not as if that has really stopped), but it was our own little hedonistic playground.  Mom and Dad didn’t really know what it meant.  Employers had to have a little snitch-like intern with a college email address to stalk potential applicants.  It was a safe time be on the book.

5. The Media Scare Stories: Next on Fox News, How Facebook is Assuring that Your Children Will Never Find Work or Be Elected Mayor, Ever.  That was the image that was cultivated in the media.  And because adults didn’t really know what Facebook was, they swallowed it up.  Facebook: killing your opportunities, one friend request at a time.  And while it did semi-curb our cavalierness, Facebook was still our place.

6. Mom didn’t have a Facebook account.

7. … Neither did grandma.

8. You could specify that you were looking for Random Play: You can no longer select Random Play in the Looking For box.  They replaced it with ”Networking,” how PC Zuck, I expected better of you!

9. No FarmVille or Mafia Wars: Three words (well, plus a contraction): I DON’T CARE!

10. Not as many shady privacy settings: Facebook was so busy trying to accommodate the vast number of new users, they didn’t have time to log all your info, those days are long gone.

11. No memes: Who cares if it’s doppelgänger week or Urban Dictionary Week.  It was a little cute at first but then it gets annoying faster than you can hit the Hide button.

12. No NewsFeed: Thanks NewsFeed for telling my five hundred and thirty two friends that I am no longer in a relationship.  I really appreciate all the people that “Like” that I’m wallowing in my own tears.  And I’m also really glad Aunt Sherri can see that Alex Kanzler removed “beer bongs” from his interests because now they will have SO much more to talk about on Thanksgiving.  Thanks.

And so there you have it.  Some things for which this Facebook veteran misses about the good ole days.  Or maybe things for which this college grad misses about her college years.  Unfortunately/Fortunately for me, Facebook defined a significant part of my college years.  We were just excited and occasionally intoxicated eighteen-year-olds with a new cool social networking site and a sense of digital empowerment only a millennial can understand.